Must Regurgitate Ideas by the Minute

About twice a week, an email arrives in my Inbox from this or that staffing agency, soliciting resumes for a creative position. They range from "Seeking comedy writer FOR TODAY ONLY" to  "Marketing Copy Editor - East Bay!" I banish most of them to the Trash folder, but last week I got one that I've read no less than a dozen times.

This is way too yummy to keep to myself, so naturally I have to share it with you. Here it is, copied straight from the email, grammatical mistakes and omissions intact:

Fantastic opportunity with a leading entertainment + lifestyle publication is looking for a dynamic Editor-In-Chief to spearhead the editorial operations for this award winning publication.

This person must be incredibly well-read, well-informed, stylish, adventurous, a thinker and naturally - a writer. This person should also their own stable of brilliant freelance writers and produce provocative stories on demand while managing a team of editors and freelancers simultaneously. This person should have uncompromising originality and can regurgitate ideas by the minute. Understand fine arts, popular music, modern design and celebrity know-how is a must as well.

Oh, the wonder!

I don't know what image you got upon reading that, but I envisioned a composite of Anna Wintour and Meryl Streep playing Anna Wintour, with a dash of adventure a la Sarah Jessica Parker playing Carrie Bradshaw. Wearing Jimmy Choos, of course, and sporting a sensational head of hair.

Did I mention that this Esteemed Publication is located in the South Bay?

As fabulous and uncompromising as she is, the first thing this Editrix-in-Chief will do is march into the office of the person who wrote this ad and deliver a well deserved smack upside the head. There are words missing! Prepositions switching places! All sorts of whatnot happening with the verb tenses! For shame!

Perhaps she'll whistle for one of the brilliant freelancers in her stable to make sure that this kind of sloppy missive never escapes the company walls again.

Henceforth, from her office (in San Jose? Mountain View?), this dynamic sophisticate will use her rare talents to write award-winning pieces sprinkled with shrewd insights and juicy bon mots. Between reading the latest Booker-nominated novel and confirming her reservation at Manresa, she'll regurgitate ideas by the minute - the skill is second nature for her, really - before getting the scoop on the latest Lindsay-Paris spat and chatting with her personal shopper at Barney's. On Sundays, she'll hike through the hills above the Lexington Reservoir near Los Gatos so that she can take in the fresh air while she thinks Deep Thoughts.

All for you, dear reader, all for you.

And what, you ask, can this extraordinary creature expect as compensation for her vast and sundry charms?

Between $38-50/hour.

What a fantastic opportunity!

Comments

[Tiffany]

Now THAT is hilarious! And yes, I had the same image conjured up. Wow, what an opportunity!

[cookiecrumb]

I think I regurgitated in my mouth a little bit.

[Sean]

Oh, I so want to storm into that office in full Eddie Monsoon drag!

[susanna]

Oh my. At first glance this job opportunity seemed quite exciting and your idea of the perfect job candidate - a mix of Anna Wintour and Meryl Streep playing Anna Wintour - were spot-on and made me smile. And yes, Sarah Jessica Parker playing Carrie Bradshaw would have been the icing on the cake. But why oh why would anyone use the word "regurgitate" in a job description? That is definitely not a bon mot.

[woodenmask]

Aside from everything else, in theory they'd be looking for original content, so wouldn't they want somebody who could "gurgitate" ideas by the minute?

[steamy kitchen]

oh honey. you KNOW you want this job!!! does it come with an office with a martini bar built in?!

:-)

[Jennifer Jeffrey]

Tiffany - can you believe it? What a hoot.

Cookie - me too.

Sean - oh, to be a fly on that wall...

Susanna - I know - ugh.

Wooden - HA. Very clever, you.

Steamy - that would be a requirement, wouldn't it?!

[Tana]

Face it, no one we know is hip enough for that job.

I think Wooden is mistaken, though: regurgitation WILL be necessary, since most of pop culture right now is comprised of the most unoriginal people ever to populate a planet. "Celebrity know-how"? Try "celebrity know-nothing."

Gah.